How Not to Be a Bad Art Friend--A Guide for Setting Up a Non-toxic Writing Group

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How Not to be a Bad Art Friend—A Guide for Setting Up a Non-toxic Writing Group
 
Have you read the recent New York Times article, “Who is the Bad Art Friend”? If you have, you are aware of the feelings it has stirred up in the writing Twittersphere and beyond. If you haven’t, well, I don’t know if I should recommend it to you or not. It’s kind of like shoving a carton of milk under your nose and telling you, “It’s gone bad. Smell it!” In either case, it follows two writers and one writing group and how the Facebook exchanges by one writer inspired the other writer to co-opt and in some sections of the story, downright copy a real life event, including actual letters and Facebook  posts, all in order to craft a story that is unfavorable to the first writer.
 
 It is a story examining many things, but what especially resonated for me was the frustration of being in a writing group where the goal is to support one another but where personalities and ambitions create temptations—to grit your teeth when a member is chronically needy, to swallow your jealousy when a member is more successful than you, to have to decide how honest to be with someone that you have grown to care about within the limited circle of your group but wouldn’t consider a friend outside of it. It also made me think about the slippery slope between venting and talking behind someone’s back. A writer friend of mine was horrified by the ‘mean girls’ element of the group’s members and I have to say that this part felt very familiar and authentic to me from some my own writing group experiences over the years.
 
I have been in writing groups since I was a teenager but it wasn’t until I was in my forties that I found myself in a group experiencing a ‘mean girls’ situation. Any group has occasional hiccups due to the natural group dynamics—egos trod upon, people submitting pieces much longer than the agreed-to max, busy times when some members flaked out for a period of time, but over the course of many years our group was solid, compassionate, supportive. I decided to leave the group when, after inviting in some new members, the emphasis evolved to be more about support and accountability and less about critique. On top of that, several of the new members brought with them some bad habits—talking about people behind their backs, alluding to events that only some of the group members were invited to, things that felt to me like ‘mean girl,’ junior high-type behavior. I still keep in touch with several members of the group who I consider beloved writing friends, but leaving the group gave me a chance to start fresh, with clarity about what I need for myself in a writing group. After reading the NYTs article, I thought it might be a good time to share what I came up with.
 
1. First, you must know what you need and want from your group and make sure that all your members share your goals and values. As I mentioned above, my old group changed when the newer members joined—they were mostly there to cheer each other on rather than to offer in-depth feedback. This left half the group feeling frustrated at the lack of critical depth and the other half feeling a bit wounded by intense comments that they didn't really want. To avoid this and to get what you need, ask yourself if you are a critique group or a support/accountability group. Or maybe you want both. Just be sure that potential members are totally on the same page and get very clear on what constitutes critique, support, and accountability.

2. If you desire critique, decide if you are after structural critiques or line edits. Again, you can have both but I’ve seen so much time wasted and frustration caused by focusing on the wrong thing. To me, there is little point to editing a piece line by line if the large structural pieces aren’t in place. I’ve seen fellow writers toil over the smallest details while shrugging off the lack of coherent plot structure. That being said, some people, especially those not looking to get their work sold and published, just want to write what they want to write, and while they don’t care about a tight plot, consistent characters, etc. they do care quite a lot about grammar, punctuation, and usage. So get clear on this in the group and again, make sure that these terms mean the same thing to each member.

3. If you want to include structural critiques, decide as a group which structural theories you will use as your guides. Are you a Save The Cat! group? Do you follow the system set out by John Truby? Or are you an adherent of Shawn Coyne’s Story Grid, or the related and equally excellent Story Path? If you are all about the hero’s journey, are you aware that there is also great work on the heroine’s journey? Maybe you love Larry Brooks, or the Snowflake Method, or Syd Fields, or K.M. Weiland. Obviously, you don’t have to pick just one and many of them complement each other but get clear on the basics of whatever your group wants to use so that you have a common structure and language. Something that my current group does is to occasionally dedicate a portion of a meeting to going over theories that our members are excited about. We are nerdy about theory, so this works for us.

4. Set out agreed-upon rules for how to conduct yourselves. This sounds really bossy and logistical but it is at least as important as any other part of setting up your group. This is the area where I see the most damage done by well-meaning people. I am going to share my specific rules with an explanation of why each is important.

Rule 1. With each submission, include specifics on what you want to be addressed. Members should stay within the parameters each writer sets. If they just want to know if the general vibe is working, do not drill down into the components. If they just want you to proofread something before they submit it to a contest, this is not the time to tell them you think the arc isn’t working.

Rule 2. When you go over each person’s submission, adhere to a time limit. This one is pretty self-explanatory.

Rule 3. Decide as a group whether the discussions will happen popcorn-style or if each member will have separate time to offer feedback. Also, decide whether the writer can jump in or should sit back silently until it is their turn. Does it sound like I’m treating you like preschoolers here? Sorry. This rule might be necessary if you have members who tend to interrupt, railroad, or lose track of whether or not they’ve already made their point. Related to this would be defensive writers who get so uncomfortable hearing their work critiqued that they jump in to respond to every little thing. You can always start more relaxed and revisit this one if you feel like the group dynamic needs a little more structure to keep it flowing fairly. Not to brag about my own group again (but I love us so I’m going to) but we took time recently to talk about each of our ‘receiving feedback styles,’ so we could better understand how each member might look (smiling politely) versus how they actually feel ('I'm a horrible writer and I will never write again!') about the feedback. Some of us get a little flushed, or struggle not to defend our choices, others only want feedback in a few areas that they have specifically laid out, while still others are delighted to receive as much feedback as group members have time for and in as many areas as possible. Knowing this has helped us be more supportive, but this level of sharing might feel way too much for some people. Again, just be clear on what works for you and your group.

Rule 4. (Part 1) If you have an issue with a group member, be honest, even if it feels shitty to speak up. We could call this one “The Who Is The Bad Art Friend” rule, in honor of the aforementioned NYT article. I think it boils down to this: Put on your Big Person pants and speak directly to the person you are having issues with. If you aren’t sure how to do this without hurting them or losing your temper, read up on nonviolent communication and put it into practice. I truly think we adults end up hurting each other more by trying to be nice than we do when we speak truth with compassion.

Rule 4. (Part 2) Make an agreement ahead of time with the members of the group about how much that is shared in the group (submissions but also emails, posts on a group page, etc.) can be shared with people outside of it.  Did something a member said or wrote inspire you? Check in with them to ask if you can use it. Share how you might use it. Respect them if they ask you not to. If you wonder about the significance of this rule, definitely read the NYT ‘Bad Art Friend’ article. It will cure you of shrugging this one off.
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Rule 5. Last but most importantly, if the group is simply not working for you, LEAVE. I’ve overstayed in relationships, groups, even in exercise classes that weren’t feeling like a good fit, just because I doubted my instincts or had a bit of FOMO. Maybe you have done this too. I hereby challenge both of us to listen to that inner voice and say our goodbyes when we know it's time to go. Again, be honest and speak from your heart. There are so many writers out there looking for groups, especially now that we have all adapted to this remote/video way of connecting with others. If you are looking for a new group, start one, laying out the particulars that resonated with you in this article. Use hashtags, Facebook, NaNoWriMo boards, Meetup, contact local bookstores to let them know you are forming a group.
 
Writing groups are such a wonderful way to be accountable, to connect, to celebrate your fascination with and passion for writing. Writing is such an isolated practice that coming together with others can supply that missing piece, and even for introverts, getting an outside perspective on your inner process is key. Once you have this support and connection the last thing you want is to worry that a member of the group has written a story about how you donated a k--, oh, wait. I shouldn’t spoil that NYT article. Anyway, let me know if you are in a group, if you’ve experienced any of the issues that these ground rules are there to prevent, or if you have any questions I can answer.
 
Let me leave you with a few  links that are helpful for starting or finding a writing group:

How to find a group:
https://www.writeordietribe.com/writers-craft/how-to-find-a-writing-group-thats-right-for-you
How to start a group:
https://goinswriter.com/writers-group/
If you want to start a group like mine:
https://storygrid.com/writing-groups/
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If you are interested in Oona Cava’s editing or writing coach services, or in bringing her in to coach your writing group, you can learn more at https://oonacava.com/index.html